Monthly Archives: July 2018

Learn How to Love you

In working with couples for over four decades, I have rarely heard intimate partners ask each other what they could do or say that would make the other feel more loved. I’m much more likely to hear self-serving statements like: “Why don’t you just remember what makes me happy?” “No matter what I do for you, it’s just never enough.” “You just never get me, do you?” “Why is it always about you? Don’t you ever want to know what I want?” “Why do you keep hurting me this way? Don’t you even care?”

Why is it that people, who once cared deeply for one another, seem so intent on getting their own needs met, and no longer interested in how they can love their partners more successfully? Why do long-term committed couples, who once seemed to care about the other’s deeper feelings and thoughts, become partners who are content to know each other by old assumptions and observations?

If you are an intimate partner who hasn’t kept up to date on your significant other’s internal feelings and thoughts, you are not alone. Many people become lazy in long-term relationships and just adjust and adapt to things as they are, forgetting that successful relationships depend and thrive upon continual regeneration. People get too easily caught up in other life priorities, assuming that if something is important, it will somehow find its way to the surface.

If they have made a practice of avoiding searching for each other’s more vulnerable inner worlds, many intimate partners, instead, engage in repetitive, negative interactions that they seem unable to adequately resolve. In my working with them, it quickly becomes apparent that they are unable to do so because they have either never shared some of their deeper thoughts and feelings with their partners, or buried them because they created a threat to the relationship.

When I observe those kinds of limited or superficial interactions in their therapy sessions, I’m reasonable certain they have done exactly that. Without either never have known each other’s deeper fears, traumas, and vulnerabilities, never have known them, or forgotten them, they are unable to go beyond what they have practiced.

If they are willing to re-open a genuine exploration of what they may have missed in the past, suppressed, or are currently ignorant of, I can take them to a place of a more genuine connection and re-open their hearts to a deeper and more alive connection.

I’ve designed an exercise that will get them there. It’s called “How Can I Make You Feel Better Loved by Me?” It is in two parts. The first has each partner asking a series of two sets of unique questions designed to identify his or her past or current hidden fallibilities, wishes, vulnerabilities and genuine wishes. It gives the listening partner needed information he or she needs to restart, rehabilitate, and regenerate their love for the other.

The second part is when the partner who has written down the answers to those questions, shares them with his or her partner. The partner listening does not comment, but simply listens with compassion and interest, even if they are surprised, defensive, or emotionally moved.

If you are ready and willing to challenge your own relationship limitations, I invite you to try this exercise together.

How Can I Make You Feel Better Loved by Me?

One partner will ask the two sets of questions in order. The first set of questions uncovers words and actions that can help that partner feel more deeply known, safe, and cherished. The second set of questions brings forth any words or actions that may hurt, offend, or distance that partner. The partner being asked silently writes down the answers to both sets of questions, one at a time, but does not share those answers during this part of the exercise.

The listening partner does not comment or interrupt. He or she is there just to take the information, to listen with compassion, and to more deeply understand what the other person feels and thinks.

At the end of the first set of questions, the partner answering them then reads the answers aloud and the inquirer listens but does not comment.

The couple then sits quietly for a short while to let the new information sink in while keeping their hearts open to each other. Without any more exchange, the second set of questions is asked and the same procedure follows.

The couple decides who should go first and they then alternate the exercise.

Section One Questions – Words and phrases that soften and heal

Whether from childhood, media experiences, fantasies, or past relationships, every man and woman know some of the words, phrases, or behaviors that would melt their hearts. Though many of them may be easy to know and share, others may be harder to access, especially if they’ve been hidden by traumas from the past. Some may even be embarrassing to share, especially out loud or expressed for the first time. The answers will also be strongly influenced by voice intonation, body language, facial expressions, rhythm, timing, and touch.

If you are the first person to start answering the questions, you will respond by writing the answers down on paper after your partner asks you each of them. If there are specific past experiences that come up when you think of them, jot them down as well. When you share these with your partner later, they will help him or her understand you better.

If you are the listener, you will be simultaneously listening to what your partner is telling you from the past while imagining whether what he or she is sharing is taking place in your current relationship as well.

1. Think of someone from your childhood with whom you felt safe and cherished. Can you remember the sound of that person’s voice, and the words he or she used that gave you those wonderful feelings?

2. What kinds of words or touch help you the most when you are already feeling badly about something you’ve done?

3. When you are feeling insecure or shaky about your own value, what phrases could I utter that helps you feel better about yourself?

4. What is the best way I can respond when you are irritated or upset that would help quiet your distress?

5. When you feel depressed or pulled in, what is the best way I could respond that would help you to feel better?

6. When you are distressed but can’t understand why, what would be the best way for one to respond?

7. When you need something but are afraid to ask, how can I make that easier for you?

8. What are the words, phrases, or behaviors that you see in others that would melt your heart were they to come from me instead? In what kinds of circumstances do they occur?

9. If you are angry or hurt at me, what is the best way for me to help you to sort through your feelings and thoughts?

Section Two Questions – Words, Phrases, or Behaviors that hurt or distance

All of us have been hurt or betrayed in some way in our lives. Sometimes those experiences leave traumatic scars or trigger-quick negative responses that we may not even see coming. If we haven’t shared those with our partner, he or she can misunderstand the severity of a past experience, and may inadvertently respond incorrectly. Even though it might not, in any way, be appropriate to your current relationship, the person re-experiencing the trauma may feel as if it is again happening in the present.

Past traumas are not always easy to share, but if they are tap roots that could damage or destroy your current relationship, your partner can only help you if he or she knows what they are. Also, certain words, phrases, or actions are easy to misinterpret if the partners come from different backgrounds. When a partner is sharing a painful or embarrassing thought or feeling, he or she is often overly sensitive or vulnerable. If they are not interpreted correctly, they can be hurtful when not meant to be. That is why silent and compassionate responses are important.

Following are the questions that tap those potentially painful places. Again, if you are the speaker, write the answers down. Try to include any memories you have of when those experiences occurred and how they caused you distress.

Again, as the listener, you may become aware that you have inadvertently or unknowingly said or done some of the things your partner will share with you. Though that may be painful to hear and realize, do not tell your partner at this time.

1. What are any traumatic experiences that have happened in your life that have left heartbreak scars, and the words and actions that accompanied them?

2. What are some of the words or actions that I might say that can make you feel defensive or badly about yourself?

3. Were there any words or phrases that people called you in your childhood that labeled you in ways you felt misunderstood, mocked, or invalidated?

4. What words or actions have undermined your self-love and self-confidence?

5. Are there any words or actions that have been particularly offensive or painful to you?

6. Where have you felt the most misunderstood and unfairly defined in our relationship and what would you have preferred?

7. If there was anything I could change to make you feel more comfortable and more beloved in our relationship, what would that be?

8. When I am angry, upset, or don’t like what you’re doing, what is the best way I can express my feelings to you without setting off your need to defend or counter-punch?

9. What are the words and actions of mine that are the most consistently hurtful or dismissive of you?

This exercise is not easy, but deeply moving for most people. In the process of sharing these experiences, vulnerabilities, and open desires, intimate partners become accountable to each other in a whole new way. They now have information that honestly tells them when their partners feel loved and when they feel damaged. Any future words or actions must then take those new learnings into account. In other words, neither partner can feign ignorance once they know what is true.

That new knowledge, of course, cannot guarantee that both partners will always be able to remember or act on it. But it helps them to take responsibility when they cannot, and to keep from blaming the other when they slip. “I didn’t mean to hurt you,” becomes “I knew that might hurt, but I wasn’t yet able to keep from saying or doing it, and I’m so sorry.” Or, “I knew that saying something different would really help, but I was too upset myself to give that to you in that moment.” The answers might not feel good, but the interaction does not blame either partner.

It is so much easier for a couple to be on the same team when both are willing to work on these changes together. When they are successful in coming together, they become more confident in knowing how to accurately love each other in a whole new way.

Here Ten Ways to Defuse the Hostility of People Who Are Angry

We all dread dealing with the anger of those in our inner and outer circles. In fact, I can’t think of even one person who has described with relish an enjoyable moment dealing with the anger of a co-worker, a friend, a child, a stranger, etc. Dealing with the bitter, the hostile and the antagonistic among us is not easy for any of us but we can probably all agree that some of us are better equipped at dealing with the angry than others.

And this makes perfect sense. It is extremely unpleasant and anxiety producing to face the wrath of individuals who seem to give themselves permission to express their anger freely and to direct it at individuals who may or may not have anything to do with the creation of this feeling. And, most of us prefer harmony to conflict, right? Who among us feels good about themselves after getting yelled at, devalued or even ignored? We as members of many communities want to feel good and experience harmony in our daily connections. We thrive with social support and smooth interpersonal connections. Nonetheless, there are lots of angry situations that we all deal with and I would like to impart some skills that may make dealing with antagonism easier and a bit less draining. The goal of course is not to eradicate all anger but instead to face it down with some skills in your proverbial tool box.

Let’s begin:

1. When feeling barraged by the angry tirade of an individual either in person or on the phone consider remaining silent until the person calms down. As long as there is no threat of violence this often works well. The angry often run out of things to say if you don’t give then them any material to work with. You see they are often hoping for you to react and a lack of reaction may make them feel foolish or even bored or ineffective.

2. Similar to the advice in Number 1 you can listen quietly and perhaps even nod occasionally. This, too, may have the effect of frustrating the bitter person who at the very least will go seek to do his or her dirty work elsewhere or even alone.

3. Express empathy. I know. This seems so odd but this may work simply because it is such a paradoxical and unexpected reaction. Try “That must be so difficult for you” or even something like “That doesn’t sound like fun.” I must warn you to never ever make the mistake of saying “I’m sorry you feel that way.” That last statement always leads to increased frustration and agitation. I kid you not. Remove this statement from your vocabulary as soon as possible.

4. Change the topic. Ask the person questions about a topic that they have some expertise about. Who, after all, doesn’t long to talk about what they are good at? If you are not sure what this person is good at then change the topic anyway and ask questions about a neutral topic. Look, people like to talk about themselves. That is the simple truth.

5. If the anger is too fast and furious and you do not want to be around it then excuse yourself. Simply state that you have another task to attend to and the person will hopefully either move on to a different feeling or a different audience. It’s very interesting to watch emotional tone change within different contexts and with different audiences.

6. You can try stating that you are having a bad day and simply can’t be helpful with your conversational partner’s mood and difficulties. You are sorry but you simply don’t have the emotional reserves to be helpful today. You see that redefines the roles. The angry person is then seen as a needy rather than as an angry person. Interesting, huh?

7. If you feel that you can do this genuinely then you may want to validate the angry person’s feelings. Only do this if you are being true to yourself, okay? You can try something like “That must be so enraging,” or even “I can’t imagine having to deal with that.”

8. Guide said angry person to a different arena. Perhaps you can suggest that they make a phone call or even express their dismay in a letter. This may serve two purposes. You will be able to exit the situation more easily and you may even have provided the individual with another modality for expression.

9. Angry and disgruntled individuals often speak very quickly. Ask them to speak a little more slowly so that you can understand them. Generally, when individuals slow down their anger dissipates. Go ahead and try this if you are so inclined.

AND

10. Be a good role model. If you choose to speak to the angry and bitter among us then speak softly and slowly. They may just choose to try your style. At the very least you are not joining them in their unhealthy tirade.

Keep in mind that I am not at all suggesting that you tolerate unreasonable aggression from those in your life. Sometimes the anger becomes abusive or so intolerable that you have to cut ties with people. We are all well aware of that. I am trying, instead, to assist you in dealing with the sometimes emotionally unregulated among us. I hope that this is helpful.

Dr. G.

This The Ones We Love

“How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?”— Albert Einstein

We each perceive love in our own way. Your perception of love would be determined by your past experiences. If you were raised by particularly difficult parents, your perception would be totally different than that of someone raised in a family with two loving, caring and devoted parents.

Did your parents openly show or express their love for each other and you? Most often, the love we’re shown is the love that we will then show to others.
As we all have a unique perspective on love, how would one define it? There is the love of a partner, yet the love for a child is different. There’s the kind of love which is felt for a sibling, and then quite another for our parents. An inanimate object such as a good book can bring about an entirely different expression of love, or what about a favorite hobby?

What I have found is that we each would arrive at our own definition of love if asked. But, when asked to describe how you feel love, unless the person you’re addressing has felt the same depth of emotion, they could only truly understand if they too had foreknowledge of the emotions involved in the act of loving.

Ask your friends and loved ones what their definition of love is. I bet you’ll get different answers from each person you meet. Take these definitions and internalize the depth of emotion elicited—good or bad. All emotions teach us compassion and unite us with one another.

Author’s Bio:

Experiencing paranormal and spiritual phenomenon for more than five decades, Lisa began seeing spirit at the young age of four years. Around the age of six Lisa knew there was more to this world than what we see in the here and now. Information was imparted to Lisa about living multiple lifetimes and thus began her deeper understanding of the spiritual realm, reincarnation, and the possibility of communication with those in-between lives.

Today, Lisa’s communication with departed loved ones and ancestors have touched thousands of people worldwide. Lisa is a Survival Evidence Medium, meaning she is able to bridge the gap between that of the living and the dead by providing evidential proof of life after death via detailed messages and proven facts.

Lisa has written countless articles, which have been featured on websites, in print magazines, and her own personal blog. Her first book, The Lessons Of Jesus Christ, was published in 2013. Her book, The Visible Energy Around Us: A 4 Week Guide To Reading the Aura is a self-study class you can take at your own pace. Two more books are in the works; From His Lips: 365 Daily Devotions From Jesus Christ and Tracking; Following Your Loved One’s Passage To Heaven . She has made appearances on television and radio and co-hosted on CBS and Blog Talk Radio. Lisa teaches spiritual development classes and holds public Spirit Galleries nationwide.

Lisa has presented at a multitude of Spiritual, Metaphysical and Consciousness events. Her sense of humor as well as her vast knowledge of the subject matter make her an internationally sought after speaker, presenter and instructor.

Body-Mind-Spirit-Festival: Lisa was a reader, vendor, presenter and performed Demonstrations of Mediumship.
Your Spiritness Expo: Lisa served as a reader, vendor and performed public Demonstrations of Mediumship.
The Awake & Empowered Expo: Lisa sat on the Spiritual Development and Consciousness Panels, did a performed a Demonstration of Mediumship, and presented The Cycle of the Soul.
The Afterlife Awareness Expo: Lisa is a vendor and does private readings.
CBS Radio: Radio host
The Woman’s Everywhere Expo: Lisa is a vendor and does public Demonstrations of Mediumship and presents on a multitude of spiritual topics.
Blog Talk Radio: Radio Host
The Body, Mind, Spirit Expo: Lisa is a vendor and does public Demonstrations of Mediumship and presents spiritual topics.
The World Of One Expo: Lisa is a vendor, will do select readings, and performs public Demonstrations of Mediumship.
Healing Body & Spirit Expo Psychic Fair: Lisa will be a speaker presenting upon her book Tracking, doing select readings, Demonstrations of Medium, and have a vendor booth.
Intuitives Interactive Expo: Lisa will be speaking upon the Ethic and Professionalism of Psychics and Mediums.
Lily Dale Assembly: Spiritual Development Instructor

Lisa is continuously updating her skills in the fields of Mediumship, Spiritual and Personal Development, Metaphysics, and Parapsychic Science. She is a certified Spiritualist Healer, Reiki Master, Certified Spiritualist Medium, Certified Psychic Medium, Ordained Spiritualist Minister, Ordained Metaphysical Minister, and currently holds a Bachelor’s degree in Metaphysical Sciences from The University of Sedona.